Lovely Bones

Extremely beautiful anorexic (pathologically thin) girl.

"Hi Rosie!... Have you seen the lovely bones?"
"Yeah... great movie!"
"What movie? I am talking about Slinky Marianne."
"Oh... Lol...I see. Nope, haven´t seen her yet."

Photo: Twiggy, bellamystudio.com

Filter failure

Extreme lack of common sense to make intelligent decisions between options, when one of them is, by far, the best.

Client: "I want to know why I keep choosing the wrong guy to fall in love with... Is it that I am cursed?
Tarot Reader: "Let´s see. Cut the deck with your left hand two times to the left. Now, choose a card"
Client: "Oh No! The Devil card! See? I am cursed!
Tarot Reader: "No darling, in this case The Devil card means filter failure, in other words, that you are stupidly attached to your lower instincts."

Suit 1: "Man, I can´t catch up with my Twitter account... information overload."
Suit 2: "Not at all. It´s not info overload. It is filter failure!"

Inviolate

Free from violation, injury, desecration, or outrage.

"At this rate of depredation, I doubt there is a single inviolate spot on Earth."


The earth – borrowed from our children, Alice Wellinger.

Pay What You Want

A trend gaining momentum by which diners at restaurants choose what they pay for their meals.

"Let´s face it, no more fancy restaurants, this is the Pay What You Want Economy."

Brain buffering

The slow thinking process of morons.

"Everytime I ask John for an answer he seems to be brain buffering like for ever."

Thumbdowner

Pathetic life form that systematically goes through Urban Dictionary´s "Word of the Day" list giving a thumbs down to every single definition without reading any of them. Out of spite and utter lack of creativity, finds more exciting to downgrade the work of others than to come up with even a run of the mill (conventional, mediocre, prevalent, regular, trite) idea.

"Get a life Thumbdowner, life is short and then we die."

BlackVery

Name given by dumb ghetto delinquents to stolen BlackBerry smartphones.

"Yo... check my BlackVery... Ain´t it awesomest?"

Luddism

Opposition to technical or technological change.

"I donﾴt get it, Obama is surgically attached to his BlackBerry, but he denounces the iPad. He caught me off guard by his luddism."

Camel Talk

Recurrent mention of camel toe by guys obsessed with the size of female genitalia.

"Ok guys... camel-talking, who you think has more meat, Angelina or Scarlett?"
"Well, camel talk wise I would say that, in this case, it depends if you are talking upper or lower lips.

Angelina, Neil Davies Swindon

Preevning

Late hours in the afternoon, just before evening.
Term invented by Dr. Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory TV series.

"4:30 p.m. is not afternoon... that´s preevning"... a time of day that I invented."

Sheldon, Neil Davies Swindon

(not published by urbandictionary.com)

Biblical Tweets

Tweets announcing, the end of the world in 2012 or any other impending disaster.
Tweets sent by characters mentioned in The Bible.

Top Biblical Tweets:
Ark was already full, so I had to tell the @dragons, @dinosaurs, and @unicorns Iﾴd be "right back to pick them up." #my bad #extinction.
10:55 AM June 28, 6345 BC from Tweet Deck
CapnFlood
Noah
(Alec McNayr and Alan Beard, Top 7 'Historical Tweets' From The Bible)

@God OMY! I´m naked!

What Adam would tweet to God from the Garden of Eden.

"@God OMY! I´m naked!" Tweet sent to God by Adam about his nakedness.

Zappo

Channel hopping unit that measures the time that lapses while scanning through two different television channels with the remote control.

"500 channels and nothing... this zappo business is giving me Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."

Stripper Prejudice

Social discrimination to which strippers are subjected due to their looks.

“Stripper prejudice!... The fuckers cancelled my reservation.”

Brainwaving

Thinking.
The main symptom of a working mind.

How are you Daniel? Brainwaving.
Boss? Braindead.

So fucking what?

Question to ask when someone makes a stupid statement. As I am sure you will use it extensively, it is recommended to record it to play ad nauseam (to a disgusting or ridiculous degree; to the point of nausea)

"The world is ending in 2012"
So fucking what?
"The economy is cyclical"
So fucking what?
"Your wife is cheating on you"
So fucking....whaaaaat?

So fucking twat?

Variation of "So fucking what?"
Same use... Question to ask when someone makes a stupid statement. As I am sure you will use it extensively, it is recommended to record it to play ad nauseam (to a disgusting or ridiculous degree; to the point of nausea).

"The world is ending in 2012"
So fucking twat?
"The economy is cyclical"
So fucking twat?
"Your wife is cheating on you"
So fucking.... twat???

Flash-forward this!

Phrase used to invite someone who claims to be a "flash-forwarder" (a person who is able to "see" the future) to consider an obvious result of a stupid action committed by himself.

"Yo... flash-forwarder... howﾴs the future?"
"Brilliant!"
"And you are late today for work as usual so, Flash-forward this!... You are fired!"

"Honey..."
"Yes sweety"
"You are always busy so, Flash-forward this! Iﾴm gonna have a baby with the gardener.

FlashForwarder

Someone who claims to be able to "see" the future.
A sudden event that triggers a premonitory experience.

"Yo... FlashForwarder, what are you flashforwarding right now?"

Teledrama

The endless whining of a lover on the phone.

(Whining: to utter a plaintive, high-pitched, protracted sound, as in pain, fear, supplication, or complaint. To complain or protest in a childish fashion.)

"Mary, leave the phone for a minute at least, please!!!"
"Just a sec... John is having a teledrama"

LET´S DO AMAZING!

Ultra-moronic slogan from Hewlett-Packard.
What a shitty lay promises on a first date.
So, Cindy... are we finally going out tonight?

"Oh Robert!... I am not sure, today is Lost´s night."
"C´mon sweetest... LET´S DO AMAZING!"

Illustration bodard-caricatures

Gen "Why"

A brainless generation that has no answers about the most important and critical issues in life, that accepts no responsibility at all, and that is stuck at infant´s level of astonishment.

"My Gawd! There has to be an answer to ecocide (heedless or deliberate destruction of the natural environment, as by pollutants or an act of war.)"
"Forget about that, this is Gen "Why"."

Marijuana Kitchen Culture

Drugs and debauchery in today´s professional kitchens.
Chefs getting high on marijuana.
Also known as haute stoner cuisine.
Restaurants created specially for the tastes of the slightly stoned chef.

"What an astonishing flavour! I must congratulate the chef; so creative"
"Yeah, he must be deep into Marijuana Kitchen Culture."

Haute Stoner Cuisine

Food prepared by chefs under the influence of Marijuana.

To the maître d': "Exquisite otherworldly flavour."
"Oui madame... we have a new chef from Brooklyn, recently graduated from the renowned Haute Stoner Cuisine School."

Wenlock & Mandeville

Mascots unveiled for the Olympic and Paralympic Games in London 2012.
Named after the village of Much Wenlock in Shropshire. Mandeville is the birthplace of the Paralympic Games in England.

"We are sure that Wenlock & Mandeville will connect young people with sport, and tell the story of our proud Olympic and Paralympic history.”

Jiapers

Jeans styled babies´ diapers made by Huggies.

"I don´t buy diapers anymore"
"Why... your baby is using the potty seat?"
"Nope, but jiapers are so stylish!"
"C´mon, what you have is stylish poop!"

Ease of Opening Index

A numerical scale (from 0 to 10) by means of which variables, such as age, level of hotness, dating demand, level of horniness, family background, and boob to waist ratio, predicts how many dates and monetary investment you will need to score with a particular broad. It predicts with astonishing accuracy when the female will open her legs for you.

"Yo... have been dating Suzie 4 times straight."
Have you scored yet?
Nope!
So? What´s the point?
"I´m cool Bro, Ease of Opening Index predicts no more than two dates and the gates will open for me."

Climb Down Suicide

Deaths that occur when New Yorkers die on the subway´s tracks when in search of a particular item, such as an iPod, an iPhone, a Blackberry cellphone, or any other object.

"Three New Yorkers died, during a six months period, after ill-advised forays to the tracks in pursuit of an iPod, a nylon LeSportsac bag containing gym clothes and deodorant and, lastly, a woman’s jacket."
Yeah... Climb Down Suicide!

iBlood

Blood on the tracks of New York City Subway from people who die trying to get back a fallen iPod, an iPhone, or any other object.

"Do you know a New Yorker died trying to recover an iPod from the tracks of NY City subway?"
iBlood!

Re-trust

To restore trust in any relationship.

"Oh man!!! Cindy found me fooling around with the maid, now I must re-trust."

Whoregate

National pastime. Fake scandal fabricated after every beauty contest to titillate the public with information that shows the winner´s alleged slutty past.

"This Miss USA thing is getting called Whoregate. The entire pageant should get called that. Trump would love the ratings bump."

Must See Train Wreck (long version)

The fascination that the American public has with the miserable lives of celebrities who, despite their wealth and fame destroy themselves with drugs and violence.

"What´s wrong with Miss Lohan? She seems to have a terrible death wish."
"Must See Train Wreck!"

Better Put A Blanket Around Those Chickens

A phrase you say when a friend, who constantly plays the victim, tells you for the millionth time
how miserable is his life, while refusing to see the bright aspects you keep mentioning.

"And then, when I asked my parents for extra money, they refused and instead of that asked me to take the garbage out. Ain´t that cruel?"
"I understand you... Better Put A Blanket Around Those Chickens!"

Slut Machine

Whorehouse.

"Yo... I am horny 2 da bone!"
"No problemo amigo... just drop some bread at the Slut Machine."

Must See Train Wreck

Celebs.

"What´s wrong with Amy Winehouse? She seems to have a terrible death wish."

"Must See Train Wreck!"

How mental is that?

A QUESTION WHOSE PURPOSE IS NOT TO GET AN ANSWER, BUT TO EXPRESS BEFUDDLEMENT (bafflement, bemusement, bewilderment, mystification, obfuscation, puzzlement
confusedness, disarray, mental confusion, muddiness, confusion - a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behavior; "a confusion of impressions") IN THE FACE OF OUTRAGEOUS (Grossly offensive to decency or morality. Being well beyond the bounds of good taste: outrageous epithets. Having no regard for morality.Violent or unrestrained in temperament or behavior.) BEHAVIOR.

"How mental is that?... BP (British Petroleum) says they have no responsibility for the Gulf of Mexico´s oil spill disaster."

Pornography of regret

Deep sense of moral decay a guy feels after wanking on a Playboy´s Centerfold.

"Father... I confess that I regularly wank on Playboy´s Centerfolds."
"Yours is a common symptom of pornography of regret... Don´t worry Son... I used to wank on the photo on Aunt Jemima Buttermilk Complete Pancake & Waffle Mix package."
That´s so sick, Father...!
Yeah Son... and well above racist wanking... but the pancakes were a hell of a treat!

Un-shit

Shit reversal.

"Yo... is Lita still mad at you?"
"Nope Bro... thanks God I managed to un-shit our situation."

The Kard-Ass-hians

Biggest publicity whores in the history of talent-less reality TV.

"The Kard-Ass-hians? No envy for their crappy 15 minutes of shame."

Hall of Shame

Special honor dedicated to some of the crappiest members of society, who deserve no attention at all due to their lack of value as individuals, but that manage to titillate the stupid masses and capture the idiotic attention of mainstream media.

"Who are the inductees for the Hall of Shame this year?"

"A long list... Among others, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian."

Supremely Girly

A girl’s girl.
A gay who dresses frilly (adorned, decorated).
A woman obsessed with “the usual girl talk stuff”.

"I think Maureen is a carpet muncher."
"No way, she is supremely girly. Look how frilly she dresses."

Clerkdom

The Kingdom where low level employees, who want to get even with society making your life as miserable as possible, reign. Vicious social group made of clerks who do menial tasks in an office, or at a sales counter or service desk at a store or hotel.
Bureaucracy made of people with clerk mentality.

"Why is it so uphill to get any small thing done around here with at least minimum efficiency?"

"Welcome to Clerkdom!"

The Answer Is No To That

The answer you give when you have no answer, but have the power to do as you please.
Extreme level of control mentality.

Citizen: Due to the highly negative impact on the quality of life of this city, we propose to do an in-depth investigation about municipal management of toxic waste.

Politician: The Answer Is No To That.

Mr. Right

The asshole you are married to.

"How did I get this Mr. Right? Anybody else married to an asshole husband?"

Trust issues

Lack of trust in a relationship, due to shady behavior by one or both partners.

When will you get married?
Long road ahead.
Why?
Trust issues.

Hor-normal

Women´s periodic erratic behavior due to hormonal cycles.

"No.... she is not aggresive... it is just hor-normal."

Barbie-up your ass

Any radical action used to express againts the oppression of women, the stereotype of femininity and the commercialization of sexuality.
Russell Brand's invasive and painful way to protest consumerism.

PLAYBOY: You once stuck a Barbie up your ass during a show in London, claiming it was a protest against consumerism. Is it possible there's a less personally invasive and painful way to protest consumerism?
BRAND: If there is, I haven't found it.

Near-winning addiction

Excessive gambling habit indulged by grannies who keep buying lotto tickets and scratch cards thinking that near misses indicate a close big win.

"Grandma is always broke. Any money you give her feeds her
near-winning addiction."

Blame-a-thon

Game played by nation´s decision makers and Big Business every time that occurs a major catastrophe.
What individuals play when avoiding responsibility for a failed relationship.

Energy giant BP and the other companies involved with the catastrophic Deepwater Horizon oil spill — Transocean and Halliburton — has dodged responsibility for the accident by repeatedly blaming the others... what a Blame-a-thon!

"Have you tried to go back with Mary?"
"No way... she is playing Blame-a-thon."

Dump-a-thon

Seasonal game in which you dump your lover.

"Oh man... It gives me the jitters, Christmas is coming."

"So?"

"Dump-a-thon season."

God’s favorite word is "Come"

Signpost at church´s entrance in Pennsylvania.

I knew it... God’s favorite word is "Come"!

Toddle-off

To walk away. To evade. Immature avoidance tactic used by adults in order to escape facing responsibilities.

"Don't just toddle off when I'm talking to you Markus. Don´t be such a pussy."

Evilism

Extensive practice of evil.
The religion of evil people.
The predominant form of behavior of duplicitous people in power.
The current philosophy that, put into action, is rapidly destroying any trace of humane behavior.

"Everybody here lies. This city -and its government- is pure Evilism."

Black Again

When a black celebrity who used cosmetics to turn white his skin, decides to reverse the process in order to be black again.

"Sammy Sosa, Black Again! Skin Reportedly Back To Old Hue."

Applecide

When a company switches back from Macs to PCs due to short-sighted costs cutting measures.

"Oh My Gawd... they are going back to HP!"

"Applecide!"

Sexsavant

A knowledgeable lover who knows how to produce multiple orgasms in any woman.
Savant from the French savoir "knowing".

"In bed? Well... if I am not tired he will make me come over a dozen times. He is just a sexsavant."

Beta-testing

The initial phase in a new relationship when you are testing it for bugs or glitches.

"How is it going with Mark? Will you commit?"

"Dunno... I am beta-testing him?"

Absent Friends

Friends who are dead. People who are not physically around you, but that you carry in your heart every single day.

"How do you face loneliness?"
"I am never lonely, I am in the company of my absent friends."

Un-shut

To open.

"Larry, could you please unshut the bloody window... for God´s sake, the heat is killing me!"

Zero intention

Total lack of disposition to do something that has been promised to someone or to yourself.

"The manager of the store wants me to deliver as much merchandise as possible before the holidays. I promised to do it asap, but I really have zero intention to do so."

"I promised Maggie I´ll stop my drug use, but I have zero intention bro!"

High-profile

To have an embarrassing boner (erection) in a public space.

"Yo, what an embarrassment... I went to see a French movie yesterday with Sophie and I came out of the theater very high-profile. She was hyper pissed-off with me."

In-depth review

To perform intensive oral sex on a woman.

Hi Lucy, how was first date with Nathan?
Awesome, he gave me the best in-depth review in my life!

Exponential growth

The best boner you can get from a chick.

"Mary is the most awesome lover I´ve ever had, she gives me exponential growth every single time we mess around."

Urban Decay

The risk of rapid deterioration in the quality of the Urban Dictionary, due to the inclusion of moronic idioms and expressions.

Man... it is becoming a nightmare to try to find witty words in the Urban Dictionary. Some editors are approving definitions that really suck. I am deeply concerned of Urban Decay ´cause I love UD.

Three-Minute Rule

Any new acquaintance that sucks in the first three minutes will suck forever.

Will we meet again?
Doubt it... didn´t pass three-minute rule.

Rape-me look

Extremely low cut clothes used by women who wish to produce acute Pavlovian Salivation Reflex in desperate-for-sex males.

Promise of fornication without guarantee.
Customer: Is this a too low-cut skirt?
Saleswoman: Yes darling... the perfect rape-me look!

Moneyvation

The only method of motivation that works: money.

Hi Karl, how is the new job?
Can´t complain, salary increase every quarter.
Wao, that´s moneyvation!

Blog Addiction Disorder (BAD)

Extreme craving for blogging.

An extension of the Internet Addiction Disorder or (IAD).
What´s going on with Sara? She looks so weird.
It´s a BAD day today for her.
How´s that?
Blog Addiction Disorder (BAD). No Internet connection for the last hour an a half so, no blogging no life.

TV friendly

Audiovisual material that has been dumbed-down so people with the lowest level of intelligence can understand it.

"I love Warner Channel... it is so TV friendly!"
"But their programming has been dumbed down so much..."
"Precisely, it allows me multitasking while watching TV."

Bloggerhead

Someone addicted to blogging.

Ok. Let´s go to the concert. Invite Markus!
Forget it. He is a bloggerhead.
Meaning?
Lives for blogging. Almost 24/7.

Depth of need

Measures how far you are willing to humiliate yourself through the pathetic subjection of your life to the moronic whims of a bitch just to get some pussy.

What´s wrong with your bro?
Jenna is messing his brain probing his depth of need for pussy.

Recycling Fraud

The dismal results a man gets from investing a load of money on his wife to better her looks through a nose job, a boob job, and liposuction.

"Man, why are you so pissed off with Rodendra?"
"Look at the stupid cow! I invested full greenbacks on her and what did I get? A stupid hippo! Ain´t that recycling fraud?"

The Huffington Poo

The daily dose of crappy blogging you get from The Huffington Post.

Did you read the ultra-moronic comments today on The Huffington Poo?
Yeah... specially the accolades to the First Lady from Planet of the Apes.

Lady Gagged

Serial cocksucker.

Do you think Katya will stop cocksucking neighbors at the backyard every single night?
Nope... she has become Lady Gagged!

Craplist

The unbearable daily To Do list of chores of soccer moms.

How ya doin´mom?
Like shit! And I am only half way through my today´s Craplist.

Fetal error

Unwanted pregnancy.

"Where is Shaneen? Haven´t seen here in ages."
"Was sent to grandma´s in Brooklyn."
"Why?"
"Fetal error."

Illustration Chad Michael Ward

Shmomosexual

The New York Observer describes a “shmomosexual” as a “Joe Shmo” kind of guy — only gay — who’s a little too smart, dresses sloppy and is utterly untelegenic.

Joe Shmo: someone so asinine, ridiculous and absurd their mere presence bothers anyone in the room. (The Urban Dictionary)

Telegenic: Having a physical appearance and exhibiting personal qualities that are deemed highly appealing to television viewers.

Jenna: I ran into my ex-boyfriend yesterday.
Markus: So... how did it go?
Jenna: Awful! Since we broke, due to his affair with Ronald, he has become 100% shmomosexual... I can´t forgive me for being with such an ass.

Maximum viewing tolerance

A hypothetical (uncertain) threshold (the point that must be exceeded to begin producing a given effect or result or to elicit a response) at which white trash will feel offended by the moronic TV programming, directing their attention to other aspects of their equally miserable lives.

"Hey Pete... why your father stays for hours and hours watching crappy TV?
He is becoming an experiment that will disprove maximum viewing tolerance theory."

Cosmo Fuck Tips

"Scientific" fuck tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine, directed to morons who confuse muscle spasms with orgasms. Such as:
Before sex, go for a run, which "will raise her dopamine levels, easing her anxieties."
Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."
Eat some chocolate — it's caffeinated and so "can jolt the sex drive."
Drink orange juice. "Vitamin C boosts your adrenaline" and "the citrus will jumpstart her arousal system." Just drink it quickly, because she's about to start moaning, and once she does, she'll never stop.

"Our sexual life? Awesome!!! We follow scientific Cosmo fuck tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine. You know... sex is just dopamine, androstadienone, phenylethylamine, zinc, and vitamin C."

Illustration: Bhavin Joshi

Mother's day torture

Masochism endured by dysfunctional families (bunch of disgusting people living under the same roof) in which all forms of fake affection are mostly displayed through gifts in the form of electric appliances.

"How was Mothers´day at home this year?
Well, you know... same usual Mother's day torture... we gave the old fart a blender and a bunch of plastic flowers."

Whiskypedia

The extensive body of bullshit that is created, after office hours, by the educated middle class while having a drink, and based on factoids, questionable experience, and the need for a grip on uncontrollable forces and social events.

"My father, a social drunkard and a highly successful manager at a Fortune 100 Company, is so full of bullshit and bias that should be named Editor in Chief of the Whiskypedia."

Illustration: Ralph Steadman

Horrenda

In proofreading, list of typos, misspellings and assorted fuckups that must be corrected.
In life, the list of our major blunders.

"Steven sent the draft of his new book to get my feedback. I found 139 major mistakes. I sent the horrenda to him, and now he doesn´t take my calls."

inkyclean.com

Twisted chassis

Person with observable skeletal asymmetry, resulting in weird swinging when walking.

“At first, I couldn´t dig such a weird swinging, then I realized that Gabriela has a twisted chassis.”

Top bipolar

Person in highest position of power, in government or business, whose mood swings cause great havoc on the economy and the life of large number of people.

Typical of the entertainment industry and oil rich third world countries.
What´s the programming strategy for next season? Dunno... depends on our top bipolar executive.

"Why the economy of rich oil countries sucks so absurdly?"
"Well... they always manage to elect top bipolar presidents."

Illustration: Ron George for dailyme.com

Chromatic aberration

Extreme public display of bad taste in dressing, with loud and clashing colors.


"Chromatic aberration should be taxed. No one should be allowed to assault others with such a display of extreme bad taste."

"Laura is almost a perfect woman, beautiful and loaded, but she is an acute and embarrassing case of chromatic aberration."

sfcitizen.com

Photosuck

Photoshop disaster caused by excessive manipulation of the image.


"The new "Sex & The City 2" poster is a Photosuck."

Heavy Mental

Classical Music.

After the concert she complained the piano was out of tune. I explained that it was a harpsichord, not a piano. She answered, "Ahhh... Heavy Mental Music!"



toonpool.com

Hypopriest

A member of the clergy who is a pederast. A hypocrite priest.

"Father Robertson said he was filled with purity at the sight of the Pope last summer . But I know best, he is a pederast, a hypopriest!"




The Hierophant, Tarot of Reflections

Lollify

To provoke hysterical laughter through terror.

“Every time he tries to scare the shit out of me with his violence, I just lollify.”


The Fool, Cosmic Tarot

Phallo-up

When a woman decides to follow up a good fuck.

"Hi Nancy, how was the date last night?"
"Awesome, I will phallo-up this guy."






The Devil, Housewives Tarot

Tantrify

Trick a girl to bed with the false promise of giving her a spiritual experience through Tantric Sex.

"My Guru offered me private spiritual lessons, but I think he just wants to tantrify me."
"In our last trip to India, Jenna managed to get tantrified."

The Lovers, Legacy of the Divine Tarot

Falling in Lust

Confusing horniness with love.

"Tiger lost his shirt by falling in lust."
"Fanny can´t wait ´till Saturday to fall in lust."





Strenght, Housewives Tarot

Luxuria

Fornicating with highly expensive prostitute.

"Luxuria caused the downfall of NY Major."
"I lost my shirt due to luxuria."





The Devil, Legacy of the Divine Tarot