Dwarfed beauty

First date, after beer googles attraction at a pub is vanished, and drunkenness gone, you realize that the person who seemed to you so attractive at the bar, is just a disappointing run-of-the-mill (ordinary, average) person.

—"Know... the hunk I scored last Saturday, after the drinks at the pub, the one I told you was so awesome-looking...?"
"Yes?"
— "Dwarfed beauty."

Illustration: PL Arts-Burton

Default affairs

People you end meeting, on a Saturday night, after exhausting all possible, but unavailable, potential partners. Generally your relatives or shitty lays.

—"Yo... what you doin´ Saturday night?"
"Surely bloody default affairs."

God Has A Plan

Form of backwards thinking that intents to justify intolerable atrocities caused by evil and stupid actions committed by human beings, giving as an excuse the moronic idea of a Divine Plan.

"Tea Party Candidate Sharron Angle Opposes Abortion Even In Cases Of Rape, Incest: 'God Has A Plan', she says."

Illustration: Michael Heath

No Sex Please, We’re Middle Class

"No Sex Please, We’re Middle Class", is a way of denouncing the hypocritical predominant attitude against women´s sexual rights and prejudices, manifested on a regular basis through policy and social discrimination.

A: "Why the rejection by the Food and Drug Administration advisory panel of a female version of Viagra for women with low libido?"
B: Simple... "No Sex Please, We’re Middle Class."

Illustration: Robert Hunt

Twitter Fascist

“Social media guru” who believes that he is the conscience of Twitter and has the God-given right to regulate the use of Twitter.

"Twitter is a platform; do with it what you want, but don’t tell others what to do... twitter fascist!"

LeGaylized

Status granted to a gay person by a group of straights due to compassion, peer pressure, or simple boredom.

"The Advertising industry is so full of LeGaylized members that, if you want to survive you must mute your straightness, or you run the risk of being ostracized (excluded)."

Smellogg´s

Stinky ("uncharacteristic off-flavor and smell") Kellogg´s cereal brands Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, Froot Loops and Apple Jacks, that produce nausea and diarrhea in consumers.

Mother: "What´s wrong sweetie? C´mon finish your cereal, we are late for school"
Daughter: "Mom... You don´t love me anymore? Why are you killing me with these stinky Smellogg´s?"

"I don´t have a crystal ball"

Snarky remark you make when feeling between a rock and a hard place, because you are demanded to take a decision you are powerless, incapable, or unwilling to take.

"I don´t have a crystal ball", President Obama said when asked about a five-year Afghanistan exit strategy.

Assholics Anonymous

Assholics Anonymous® is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may fuck the lives of as many people as possible.

"Is A.A. for you? Only you can decide whether you want to give Assholics Anonymous a try?"

Self Absorption Rate (SAR)

The specific level of selfishness that turns a person into an asshole.

A: "Why the breakup with Roger?"
B: "The asshole went beyond his Self Absorption Rate."

X: "After his promotion Karl turned into a one of a kind asshole... what happened to him?"
Y: Acute case of Self Absorption Rate (SAR)."

Specific Absorption Rate (SAR)

The amount of radio frequency energy seeping into the body and brain. Different cellphone models emit anywhere from 0.2 watts per kilogram of body tissue to 1.6 watts, the legal limit.

The specific amount of bullshit a person can take before exploding.


"I am getting dangerously close to my Specific Absorption Rate with Joanne... too much bullshit."

"You see all these kids literally glued to their phones, giving a fuck about Specific Absorption Rate (SAR)”

Technoslave

A person showing a dramatic case of social inadequacy by taking refuge in any kind of gadget, in order to avoid real life issues.

X: "How was the date with Nathan?"
Y: "Awful... the moron stayed glued to his cellphone all the time, even making out."
X: "What a lousy technoslave!"

online revenge

Ways to put a spin on a breakup by telling hundreds of friends your interpretation of the entire scenario with the simple click of a button. Including (but not limited to) the following:
1- Immediately change your Facebook profile picture to one of you looking saucy.
2. Break into your ex's Twitter page (because you have the password) and announce his deviant behavior to the whole world.
3. Start to obsessively track where he is on Foursquare. That way you can “accidentally” run into him when you're out with your girlfriends, looking fabulous.

A: “I’m officially the world’s biggest asshole. Yeah, shit went down. I lied to her continuously, ignored her all the time, treated her like shit….what can I say? Perhaps going out drinking and getting toked every night of the week was a bad idea.” That´s what Sussi posted on my Twitter account after the breakup... can you believe it?
B: "I do... sweet online revenge."

online persona

The mask you wear on social media sites, that reveals nothing, and hides everything real.

"Yo... really... you are possessed by that lame online persona that you have fabricated. Get real bro, you bore to death."

Ilustration: Gonzo Journalist Hunter S. Thompson, Ralph Steadman

Bobbleheads

A plague in the form of the shittiest handcrafted, personalized gifts, used by fucktards to commemorate a "special event"; generally a body type image of a sucking alter ego that is supposed to be funny, but that only reveals the pathetic inner life of the subject.

"Bobbleheads... Get yours! Every face is completely unique to its order, and purchasers can choose from over 200 body types."

Social Media Entitlement Syndrome

Symptoms:
1. Feeling and behaving as if one should be granted certain privileges (event access, free products, job offers) because he/she is well-known in social media.
2. Expecting all-access to an individual’s private life because he/she occasionally posts personal items in social networks.
3. Acting like it’s acceptable and normal to piss (bombard w/comments, tweets, DMs) on someone’s social stream.
4. Demanding that people retweet your content, and resenting them if they don’t.
5. Assuming that because you correspond with someone via social media, you should be invited to every social gathering that person plans or is involved with.

"Knock it off... get a life. Is not that I don´t care. Go and treat your Social Media Entitlement Syndrome... fucktard."

boring as fudge

Politically correct way to say "boring as fuck"

"Hey! where is everybody? Anybody home? Nobody says anything, this is boring as fudge!"

Vanishing Mind

Alzheimer's disease (AD), one form of dementia. A progressive, degenerative brain disease. It affects memory, thinking, and behavior.

— "Honey... why is your grandma acting as if it were the first time we meet?"
Oh sweety!... I forgot to tell you, she has a vanishing mind."

Chaos-istan

America´s ghost war in Afghanistan, a country where Al Qaeda, which was supposed to be the enemy, is no longer based.

— "Have you heard?... Afghanistan´s president, Hamid Karzai, told two former Afghan officials that he had lost faith in the Americans and was trying to strike his own deal with the Taliban and Pakistan."
"So... what the fuck are we doing in Chaos-istan?"

kooky side

Strange or crazy side that uptight people keep in disguise from nine to five.

"How gay is that? Justin Bieber makes Ron display his kooky side."

"Lindsay Lohan is 24/7 in default kooky side."

—"Why the breakup with Mark?"
"Doesn´t have a kooky side."

Paradox of choice

When too much choice keeps us from making any kind of choice at all.

—"I warn you, the grass is not always greener in another relationship. Stop the slutting and settle with Ronald."
"I dig what you mean, but I am so hooked to dopamine highs that I live in a paradox of choice."

Major Perv

People who get degrees in clinical psychiatry, psychology, or counseling, in order to vent their perversions and oddities in a sanctioned (support or encouragement, as from public opinion or established custom) way.

X: "Lisa was molested once again by her shrink."
Y: "That rat is a major perv."

Obamanism

Inaccurate statements made by President Barack Obama.

"Twitters (instead of Twitter) is an Obamanism."

Twitters

Obamanism for Twitter.

"Obama said that both he and visiting Russian President Dmitry Medvedev use the popular social networking program —which he mistakenly referred to as Twitters, instead of Twitter."

.xxx

Approved Internet domain dedicated to pornography.

"Approved .xxx domain makes it easier to filter out inappropriate content... great news for those that wish to consume, or avoid, adult content."
(Net overseer Icann - Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers)

Illustration: Porn Star Sasha Grey, Sean Rose

deboarding

To get off the airplane.

Headline: "Flight From Hell: Passengers Threatened With Arrest For Deboarding."

Rape-axe

Invented by Dr. Sonnet Ehlers from South Africa, the “anti-rape” female condom, the "Rape-axe", has jagged teeth that hooks onto a man’s penis during penetration. Once latched on to a man, the device can only be removed by a doctor.

— "Yo... why walkin´ so weird?"
"Oh man... fooling around I got caught by a Rape-axe."

Nyctohylophobia

Fear of being in the Forest at night

— "Let´s take a shortcut to the pub."
"You mean, through the woods?"
— "Yeah, it will save us a solid 10 minutes."
"Forget it... I suffer from Nyctohylophobia."
— "Are you afraid of being at night in the forest?"
"Yeah... I am also afraid of monsters, killers, bears, and everything lurking in a dark forest.

Philophobia

Fear of being in love.

X: "Man, have you seen what people do when they're in love? They do all sorts of stupid, embarrassing stuff usually for no reason what-so-ever. People who are scared of being in love are not strange at all, they're just sensible."
Y: Oh...Sure! They have Philophobia."

Deipnophobia

Fear of dinner conversations.

— So, Jim. What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?
"Sorry sir, I don´t understand your question."
— Oh Jim! We invited you for dinner because we want to know about your intentions with Julia."
"But... sir..."
— "Sir what? Do you have deipnophobia? For Christs sake. Its a simple question."

Tocophobia

Fear of pregnancy. In case you didn t know, pregnancy = children.

"Oh sweetheart, I am so thrilled about our wedding..."
"Me too, living together will be great mutual support to our career development."
"Yes, and as a family with few children."
"I know Sarah but, first things first."
"What? Cmon... Do you suffer tocophobia?"

Not To-Do List

A list of all the activities you are intentionally going to stop doing, because you are taken for granted by your boss, colleagues, spouse, friends, lover, assorted relatives, and even your pet, who constantly abuse of your kindness, commitment, and productivity, forcing you to carry their work and fulfill their responsibilities.

"End of line!!! I won´t take the abuse from all the slackers and suckers around me anymore. From today on I am going to stop doing what is on my "Not To-Do List".

Net Positive

A person who has evolved in his communications and data management to the point of considering obsolete the use of text messages, cd burning, and games not played online.
A Net Positive person does not watch TV, neither goes to movie theaters; if not downloadable, he says, it is not worth the bother.

"Yo... let´s go to see Date Night."
"You mean... to the cinema?"
"´Course!"
"Forget it... Net Positive."

Illustration 2FACE

Father's day torture

Extreme for of masochism endured by dysfunctional families (bunch of disgusting people living under the same roof) in which all forms of fake affection are mostly displayed through gifts in the form of power tools and lame soft-porn magazine suscriptions.
"How was Father's day at home this year?" "Well, you know... same usual Father's day torture... we gave the old tool a state of the art Circular Saw that he won´t use, but will help to weaken his manliness-decrease-obsession."

Reader Despair Syndrome

Anxiety caused by not keeping up with one's Internet reading, particularly longer articles and a flood of tweets.

"Man... Reader Despair Syndrome... 100 plus new tweets every 10 minutes."

Booger Theorem

“Sometimes you gotta say “What the Fuck”, make your move. Every now and then, saying “What the Fuck”, brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future.”
(Coined by the character Booger in the movie Risky Business.)

"Man... I can´t take it anymore, Cindy is making my life so miserable and, to make it worse, I think she is doin´ the laundry to that Arts Professor."
"Well. you don´t have it easy, but there is a solution to any desperate situation in life, whether sentimental, professional... even ecological: The Magnificent Booger Theorem.! Use Its Force Son.!

Soccer Interruptus

To follow the "2010 World Cup Football Matches South Africa" by Twitter.

"Yo... saw the awesome Ghana — Australia 1-1 match?"
"Nope, too busy, but I got the tweets."
"C´mon bro, that´s soccer interruptus!"

'Go Tweet Yourself'

Online variation of "Go Fuck Yourself", used when flooded with useless tweets.

"Hey Johnson... stop the tweet hemorrhage. 'Go Tweet Yourself' jerk!


Illustration: Ralph Steadman

Professorial

Someone who approaches hot real life issues in an analytical, absorbed, and abstract manner.

"Don´t come to me with your Psychology 101 bullshit!... This is a real-life-issue. Your only son just came out of the closet. Get a grip and stop being so professorial."

Dr. Death´s Suicide Kit

A kit to commit suicide by Dr. Philip Nitschke, a.k.a Dr. Death.
According to Dr. Death, an Australian who founded the organization Exit International, there is a potential problem for practitioners of suicide: they might not get an effective dose when they buy drugs to kill themselves. In a recent interview, Death manifested his hopes that his new kit will help people make end-of-life choices, without the anxiety naturally felt by those contemplating suicide.

X: "Scary stuff man!!! You know?... they sell a suicide kit invented by a guy known as Dr. Death."

Y:"C´mon man that has to be B.S".

X: "No man, no bull... this morning I talked on the phone with an ex-lover who lives in London, and she told me that she had Dr. Death´s Suicide Kit by her bed for year and a half, but her best friend asked for it and she gave him the kit."

Y: "And?"

X: "The poor bastard used the kit."

Y: "So... is he dead?"

X: "Yeah man, thanks to Death."

President Evil

President whose mood swings cause great havoc on the economy and the life of the country.
Typical of oil rich third world countries.

X: "Why the economy of rich oil countries sucks so absurdly?"
Y: "Well... they always manage to elect President Evil."

Illustration Steve James

Captcha Code

Completely Automated Partner Test To Tell Cocks and Humans Apart — CAPTCHA.
A type of challenge-response test used by savvy women to ensure that the responses they get from potential mates are not generated by one-night-standers and bullshitters who would say and promise anything ludicrous (obviously absurd) to get some friction (intercourse).

The code tells potential steady partners from shitty lays automatically apart.


"But Alice, are you sure about dating wall-streeters, with the lousy reputation they have."
"No fuss darling, in three minutes into the Captcha Code I can tell if the catch is any good."

Mourning at Wrong Corpse

When you get terribly sad for a breakup with someone who made you suffer badly, or wasn´t worthy in any sense.
People who go to a cemetery and, mistaking the grave, pray, cry and complain to the wrong corpse.

"Stop Mourning at Wrong Corpse Jenna... the guy is a major asshole, a worth for nothing loser... you deserve much better."

Illustration Chad Michael ward

Tweetsdom

Extremely moronic and exasperating Tweets that, through platitudes, pretend to enlighten us with ready-made wisdom about the most significant spiritual or businesslike issues.
(platitude: a trite or banal remark or statement, especially one expressed as if it were original or significant.)

"Ok, gimme some examples of Tweetsdom... enlighten me."

"Well, how about the following?" "Did you know that you actually have to water flowers on a regular basis? Not just once when you buy them!", or "The book you don't read won't help.", or "Leadership and success is simple. Not easy. But simple.", or "Do not despair because the one you love does not respond the same as you.", or "It's kind of hard to think outside the box if you are trapped in one!", or..."

"OK, OK, OK... Oh boy... Please, STOP IT!!! You are killing me... I got it, Tweetsdom is anything that sounds like been said by Deepak Chopra."

Seven Burger Patties of Hell

Seven burger patties high whoppers (that’s 5.8 inches tall) served by Burger King restaurants in Taiwan and Japan to honor Microsoft’s new Windows 7 operating system. Highly expected in the USA.
The monstrosity with its 791 grams of beef contains 2,120-2,500 calories which is equivalent to the daily recommended calorie intake for the average man at 2,500 (the average woman should consume about 2,000 calories a day)!

X: "How was your Japan trip... scored any geisha?"
Y: "Geisha my ass... after gorging a Seven Burger Patties of Hell I retired to the bathroom crapping my soul out."

Stupid is Awesome

Consolation found by mediocre people, in the stupidity of celebrities and people in power.

"Stupid is awesome because it makes guys like me look smart."

Illustration Allan Brooks

The Small People

Derogatory term used by people in power when referring about the common citizen.

After a White House meeting with President Barack Obama, BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg told reporters he cares about the small people living along the Gulf coast.

Illustration Alan Brooks

Other-ache

Compassion.
The subject experiences a sentiment of violent compassion with regard to the loved object each time he sees, feels, or knows the loved object is unhappy or in danger, for whatever reason external to the amorous relation itself.

"I have an Other-ache."

A/C Unit

Women considered, exclusively, in the grossest possible sexual terms, limited to an ass and a vagina.

"Yo... l am hitting the pub tonite. I´ll grab an A/C unit."

Illustration 2FACE

Somewhere a dog barked

Being the victim of a whistle-blower (someone who reports your misconduct.)

"There was no more rain, just an eerie stillness, a deathly silence. Somewhere a dog barked, and my wife caught me with my pants down, and the maid on the floor... staring at the ceiling languidly, with the eyes of an innocent cow."

Doppelgambling

A variation on the word doppelganger (a ghostly double of a living person, especially one that haunts its fleshly counterpart).
A doppelgambling is making a bet you dreamed doing, that is, making it in the real world.

"What are you doing later Bro?"
"Going to that joint on 72th... had a dream about lottery numbers."
"Ahhh... doppelgambling."